Today I went home. It was wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.
To me, home isn’t a perfect place. It’s where you feel loved, comfortable, accepted, encouraged. You love the people you spend time with there, but you don’t always agree with them, or sometimes even like some of them terribly much! Home is the first place you want to get away from when you want to assert your individuality, but the first place you want to go back to when you need the comfort of the familiar. You may disagree with some of your loved ones…heck, you may drive each other nuts sometimes, but you always love them…and they love you.
Yesterday I went to church, for the first time in months. In the past year, I’ve gone from a fairly regular church-goer, to a “Holiday” that is, “Christmas and Easter” Christian. Mostly, I’ve just chosen the path of least resistance, choosing not to leave the warmth of my bed and softness of my husband’s arms, in lieu of fiddling with the hair and makeup, and the aggravation of goading the rest of m y family out of bed. It’s just so much easier to snuggle back down under the covers, or to head home after a long Saturday night shift rather than detour to church on the way, sacrificing another couple of hours of precious sleep.
Or is it? I seem to go through a period like this every few years, although I think this has been one of the longer strays. Each time, after a few weeks, I begin to feel a little more irritable and restless than usual, and the tiniest bit isolated. This takes its’ toll on every relationship I have…with my spouse, my boys, my coworkers, my friends...even my patients. I am more in a hurry when I needn’t be. I am more prone to worry about things that either I can’t change, or that I don’t want to put the effort into changing when I can. When I finally get myself back to church though, my perspective seems to bust out like a swollen river through a dilapidated flood wall.
My congregation is huge…we are considered one of the six or seven “super-churches” in my area. We have I don’t know how many thousands of members, and probably just as many more casual visitors on any one given event . We encompass three distinct buildings, the original “traditional” one , the newer “contemporary” one, and the newest of our congregations, but the oldest, smallest building, in a decidedly “urban” area. The common pastoral staff over these three “campuses” is a group of people who are amazing in the way they manage the administrative and spiritual needs of this multi-faceted congregation. Even more amazing is the sheer vibrance of this place. It is filled with the most loving, caring, compassionate people I know…people who possess a faith so solid I can only hope to grow into.
Like any “family” though, there are problems. Suffice it to say, for now anyway, that I am a somewhat liberal woman who is a member of a rather conservative congregation, where the recognized leadership is mostly male. A few of my personal beliefs, particularly those on human sexuality, are in direct conflict with those actually outlined in writing as the core teachings of my congregation. This is difficult for me…who am I to disagree with individuals so highly educated in religious history, practice and principle, and whose support, counsel, and yes, wisdom has always been a mainstay of my support system?; but there it is…I just can’t accept every core teaching, no matter how hard I try; but the one thing I am certain of is that I love this place, these people…and they love God, His creation, and I am humbled to know that they love me. This place, these people…are my home.
I wish I could say that this grand love I speak of was how I conquered my laziness, and got out of bed on Sunday morning to attend worship, but I can’t. I slept until noon , enjoyed a long, hot shower, primped in front of the makeup mirror, got dressed, and headed out in the early afternoon with my family to attend the Celebration service for the life of my friend Steve, of my most recent post. Steve died peacefully just over a week ago. This is a tremendous loss…not only for his family, but for many people. Steve was an incredibly loving, optimistic, accomplished man. To “meet” this wonderful man go to http://www.marriagejunkie.com/ (scroll down to the June 24 entry), and http://www.royalgazette.com/siftology.royalgazette/Article/article.jsp?articleId=7d8588f30030018§ionId=118. Be sure to read his online journal as well, at www.caringbridge.org/visit/stevejudah.
So Steve, as he had been doing for most of his life, brought me, and I’m sure others, “back home”, even after his earthly death. During the service, his beautiful daughters and their husbands spoke of him, as did several of his friends and accomplished colleagues. What was central during each of these tributes was not only what an incredible man Steve was, but how many people whose relationships…with their spouses, their families, their children, their coworkers, their God…he guided towards wholeness, not only during his illustrious career, but during his dying as well.
It was a time filled bittersweet tears and almost raucous laughter, both a mourning and a true celebration. It was also a tremendous personal gift. Call it what you will…Coincidence, Divine inspiration, or simply enough of an emotional release to break open the “blocks” I’ve been experiencing...in my writing as well as my spiritual, physical, emotional, and professional well-being...when I left the service Sunday all confusion about my own earthly “transitions” seemed to have melted away. Decisions I had been wrestling with seemed to have suddenly become “no brainers”. I knew exactly in what direction I wanted to go, and I had some pretty reasonable ideas about how to get there. More importantly, I got just enough of a spiritual “kick in the backside” to realize what was most important, regardless how many twists, turns, and backslides my path will inevitably take...indeed, even if I never reach my anticipated goals. If I value , nurture, and above all love the people with whom I am in relationship, whatever the outcome, my life will be a good one…not easy…and certainly not without pain… but satisfying. Goals are good things; but it's the journey that counts.
What a relief; and what a tremendous blessing.
