You and your husband were sleeping when I left this morning...you in the bed you gave birth in a few hours ago, sweat- dampened hair askew on the pillow, your arm thrown over your face in a posture of total exhaustion...your sweet husband curled up on the hard vinyl couch of the birthing room, tightly bound in a thin white hospital blanket...as if attempting to comfort and protect himself from the pain the both of you hand just endured...and have yet to endure.
Your beautiful little boy lies wrapped in the too large gown (the closest one we had to his size), and a hand-knit cap and blanket, and placed as respectfully as we can place him in such an inadequate situation, in the clinical refrigerator on the unit, to preserve his tiny body until you ask to hold him again, perhaps for the last time, in your aching, tear-streaked arms.
I wanted so much to say goodbye to you, but I dared not wake you from your hard won sleep. I wanted so much to hug you, to tell you how strong you are, to reassure you, once again, that you will come through this...not without scars, and certainly not without seemingly unbearable sorrow for a time; but that you will survive this; that your son's life, all 26 precious minutes of it, had tremendous value; that that value will increase over time in ways that you cannot even imagine now; that this perfect, tiny, precious, all too short life will have an impact on you and those around you that will forever make you a better person, and this world a better place to be.
The night before he was born, while you still clung desperately to the "one percent" chance that a well meaning physician held out for his survival, while at the same time you grieved in anticipation of his all but inevitable death, I told you this...that your son, no matter how long or short his life, has a reason to be here; that God did not make this happen, but if it had to happen, then He would see to it that this child, this Beloved of His, would achieve his purpose on this earth, regardless of the time in which he had to accomplish it; that I believed this with all my heart. This so loved, so wanted child did live his purpose in those 26 minutes, and as time relentlessly pulls you forward, turning this painful memory into one hopefully more sweet than bitter, as your body and spirit slowly heal, you will begin to realize what that purpose was.
But I can already tell you something that together, you, your son, and your son's father accomplished...and perhaps that can be part of your son's legacy, as it is certainly yours. You helped me to believe in myself again. You reminded me that I have a purpose too...that I am where I am supposed to be; that I am strong and resilient; and that no cold administrative rule, no heartless management agenda can ever, will ever change that. In a time when my department seems to be being systematically redefined by management that gives lip-service to "customer service", but whose actions seem to placing the very lives of those we "serve" in potential jeopardy born of cost-cutting attempts and the tyrannical pressure of overzealous, under researched regulation, you all reminded me that it's worth it to stick it out; to bloom where I'm planted; to let the roots that have grown deep within this rocky soil hold me firm in the winds that are trying so hard to uproot me and my coworkers in the name of...what??? Making an example out of us? Reminding all of us nurses...the ones who really keep this place going, the ones who really protect you, advocate for you, keep you as safe as possible...that we are expendable, not important, replaceable? WRONG!
Because of you, S., and other women like you, I have a purpose in this life; part of that purpose is my work, my employment, my vocation that is also my avocation; that purpose fulfills me and brings me joy (even the painful bittersweet joy of caring for you and your sisters in such sorrow), even when the world around my workplace is in such turmoil; even when that turmoil threatens to destroy my soul, the souls of my sister (and yes, brother) nurses.
We won't succumb to the threat. We'll above this useless struggle. Those who pride themselves on being in a position to decide will soon learn that their decisions that nearly brought disaster to this place, brought about instead, their own downfall; and while I do not wish them that downfall, if it protects those I am called to serve, I will not object to it.
S., I am blessed to have served you and your sisters. I am humbled by the opportunity to be so blessed. I am without adequate words to thank you for your gift.
My prayer for you is that you will, over time, experience the same gift of perspective that I had all but lost, but that you returned to me. I will be forever grateful; and I will forever hold you and your family in my heart.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, April 7, 2008
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN......
??? I've been asking myself, at least in terms of this blog. After all my "talk" about needing to get back to writing, I should think I'd have been back here many times since my last post.
I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. At the time of my last post, my family and I were in the process of moving to the most amazing house we've ever lived in. We absolutely love it. I do not, however, love the piles of laundry, and the piles of "stuff" in my dining room and garage which have yet to be unpacked and placed in their new "homes". I so look forward to the time that the house is organized, and I can return to making meals in my non-chaotic kitchen (we've become fast food junkies these past few weeks of transitioning), get back to swimming, which has gone on the back burner as of late, and especially get back to writing and working towards whatever future may present itself to me.
Sounds a little "new agey", doesn't it? "whatever future presents itself to me". Well, actually that is not an original idea of mine. I've started reading Eckhardt Tolles book that is being discussed by Oprah (yes, Oprah). As far as her online "class" goes, I have yet to participate live...I started behind and I hope to catch up to them by the last two classes...but I am enjoying the book. I'm not certain I agree with every idea that is presented in it, but that is precisely the point of the book...finding what works for you. In the first weeks' discussion between Mr. Tolle and Ms. Winfrey, Mr. Tolle, talks about his writing, and how the words just would not be written until the timing was right. He knew he wanted to write...but something just did not click until one day he received the thought "move"...and he moved from England to the West Coast of the U.S., at which time the words for his book began to tumble from his heart, to his head, out from his fingers onto the page. When he would return to England, he wasn't able to write new material...he could edit and proof, but new words wouldn't come to him.
Another point from the first chapter of this book was look at your life not as what you wanted to do with it, but what life wanted from you. That thought appealed to me. I love what I do right now...despite all of its frustrations; but I've always wondered if I want to continue it indefinitely. I don't think so. For one thing, the energy, both emotional and physical required by the job is tremendously stressful and tiring. For another thing, the frustrations of watching women submit themselves to a system which doesn't seem to respect them as rational, thinking, responsible human beings with the right and ability to make choices about their birth-giving times is overwhelming sometimes.
And then there is serendipity. That is the only word I can think of that describes so many of the things that have been placed in my path recently. Our new home, for example. Right now, for a number of reasons that may or may not come out in future posts, we are renting, rather than "buying" (if the way we "buy" our homes in this day and age truly constitutes ownership), our home. A year ago, when we thought our lease was about to expire, we went looking for, and thought we had found the "perfect" home to rescue us from our tiny, run-down half-double with it's growingly psychotic landlord and deteriorating neighborhood, we found out, much to our dismay, that a clause I missed prior to signing the lease required three months notice prior to the expiration of the lease date, in order for the lease not to automatically renew for another year! I was crushed! Although the clause was very unusual (that is to say, unheard of), according to the legal research I did, getting out of that lease would have been a nightmare of what was already a nightmare of living next to a landlord who was quickly becoming insolvent, and who would do just about anything to keep from losing one of the only renters (me), who paid him on time. We decided to "table" our house-hunt, waited out the year, gave our three months notice, not knowing where we would end up, and one day my husband walked into the door and said I've found an amazing house. You have to see it. I did, and I loved it...it's practically perfect for our needs, and we never would have found it if we had been able to follow our origial plan for our first "perfect" prospective home.
Another perhaps serendipitous occurrence happened a few nights ago at work. Things were a little slow, (unusually so), and I took the opportunity to ask a Nurse Midwife who happened to be on the floor that night what made her risk getting her CNM when she needed to stay in a town that had so little openings for them. Her response was that at the time, her family would have been able to move with her upon graduation, but she "lucked out" and found her current position. She then proceeded to tell me something that I was not aware of, that the opportunities for CNMs in our city are opening up, and began to name them....
And off I went, once again considering the huge step of going back to school at my age, to get a masters. There are a lot of things up in the air regarding that quest...and a number of things I feel I should do before I seriously pursue it...get organzied at home, get certified in Women and Infant Nursing, and as a childbirth educator, study for, and take the GRE (it will take a high score for me to be considered a truly competitive candidate), and to take the local Community college up on its offer of a part time teaching job. Each of these steps can be accomplished in the next year and a half, and, with the exception of the GRE, each will serve to provide me with additional knowledge and "fall back" skills, whatever I end up choosing...rather, whatever Life (or God, or the Universe) chooses for me to do.
Who was it that said "The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step"?
Time to take that first step.
I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself. At the time of my last post, my family and I were in the process of moving to the most amazing house we've ever lived in. We absolutely love it. I do not, however, love the piles of laundry, and the piles of "stuff" in my dining room and garage which have yet to be unpacked and placed in their new "homes". I so look forward to the time that the house is organized, and I can return to making meals in my non-chaotic kitchen (we've become fast food junkies these past few weeks of transitioning), get back to swimming, which has gone on the back burner as of late, and especially get back to writing and working towards whatever future may present itself to me.
Sounds a little "new agey", doesn't it? "whatever future presents itself to me". Well, actually that is not an original idea of mine. I've started reading Eckhardt Tolles book that is being discussed by Oprah (yes, Oprah). As far as her online "class" goes, I have yet to participate live...I started behind and I hope to catch up to them by the last two classes...but I am enjoying the book. I'm not certain I agree with every idea that is presented in it, but that is precisely the point of the book...finding what works for you. In the first weeks' discussion between Mr. Tolle and Ms. Winfrey, Mr. Tolle, talks about his writing, and how the words just would not be written until the timing was right. He knew he wanted to write...but something just did not click until one day he received the thought "move"...and he moved from England to the West Coast of the U.S., at which time the words for his book began to tumble from his heart, to his head, out from his fingers onto the page. When he would return to England, he wasn't able to write new material...he could edit and proof, but new words wouldn't come to him.
Another point from the first chapter of this book was look at your life not as what you wanted to do with it, but what life wanted from you. That thought appealed to me. I love what I do right now...despite all of its frustrations; but I've always wondered if I want to continue it indefinitely. I don't think so. For one thing, the energy, both emotional and physical required by the job is tremendously stressful and tiring. For another thing, the frustrations of watching women submit themselves to a system which doesn't seem to respect them as rational, thinking, responsible human beings with the right and ability to make choices about their birth-giving times is overwhelming sometimes.
And then there is serendipity. That is the only word I can think of that describes so many of the things that have been placed in my path recently. Our new home, for example. Right now, for a number of reasons that may or may not come out in future posts, we are renting, rather than "buying" (if the way we "buy" our homes in this day and age truly constitutes ownership), our home. A year ago, when we thought our lease was about to expire, we went looking for, and thought we had found the "perfect" home to rescue us from our tiny, run-down half-double with it's growingly psychotic landlord and deteriorating neighborhood, we found out, much to our dismay, that a clause I missed prior to signing the lease required three months notice prior to the expiration of the lease date, in order for the lease not to automatically renew for another year! I was crushed! Although the clause was very unusual (that is to say, unheard of), according to the legal research I did, getting out of that lease would have been a nightmare of what was already a nightmare of living next to a landlord who was quickly becoming insolvent, and who would do just about anything to keep from losing one of the only renters (me), who paid him on time. We decided to "table" our house-hunt, waited out the year, gave our three months notice, not knowing where we would end up, and one day my husband walked into the door and said I've found an amazing house. You have to see it. I did, and I loved it...it's practically perfect for our needs, and we never would have found it if we had been able to follow our origial plan for our first "perfect" prospective home.
Another perhaps serendipitous occurrence happened a few nights ago at work. Things were a little slow, (unusually so), and I took the opportunity to ask a Nurse Midwife who happened to be on the floor that night what made her risk getting her CNM when she needed to stay in a town that had so little openings for them. Her response was that at the time, her family would have been able to move with her upon graduation, but she "lucked out" and found her current position. She then proceeded to tell me something that I was not aware of, that the opportunities for CNMs in our city are opening up, and began to name them....
And off I went, once again considering the huge step of going back to school at my age, to get a masters. There are a lot of things up in the air regarding that quest...and a number of things I feel I should do before I seriously pursue it...get organzied at home, get certified in Women and Infant Nursing, and as a childbirth educator, study for, and take the GRE (it will take a high score for me to be considered a truly competitive candidate), and to take the local Community college up on its offer of a part time teaching job. Each of these steps can be accomplished in the next year and a half, and, with the exception of the GRE, each will serve to provide me with additional knowledge and "fall back" skills, whatever I end up choosing...rather, whatever Life (or God, or the Universe) chooses for me to do.
Who was it that said "The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step"?
Time to take that first step.
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